Making the Decision to Share Your Home

Almost 20% of Canadian seniors today live with their adult children. According to a 2010 projection from Statistics Canada, within the next few decades, the number of people over 65 will more than double. Indeed, with the ageing of the baby boomers, seniors will outnumber children under 15 for the first time in history! This changing population pattern suggests that even more older adults and their children will decide to live in the same household. But how can you decide if this is a good choice for your family? In this issue of Choices, we begin a two-part series on making the decision to share your home with a loved one.

As your parent or other loved one grows older, you may become concerned about the person's ability to continue to live on their own. Safety hazards in the home, inability to drive, a changing neighborhood, declining health, loneliness, or other factors may cause your loved one, and you, to consider other options. One of those options might be to share your own family home.

Living in a multigenerational household can be wonderful, but is not for everyone. Sharing your home can be a delightful, enriching experience for everyone involved, or it can become a very difficult situation. It is better to say "no" and work toward another more satisfactory living alternative, than to struggle with a situation that simply doesn't fit the needs and limitations of the people involved.

Sharing your home will have an impact on everyone in the household—you, your spouse, children, other persons living in the household, and, of course, the older loved one you'll be caring for. Everyone will have to make adjustments and be a part of making the newly configured household work smoothly. Therefore, everyone needs to be a part of the decision-making process. Together, the family must determine whether this will be a good idea or not.

Consider Existing Household Challenges

If your family currently has its own significant problems with health, family relations, or other stressful situations, adding another person to the household may make things harder, no matter how much you and your family love that person. You need to decide whether or not you have the emotional energy to take in another person. Of course you will not be able to anticipate all that the future may hold, but careful thinking and planning before you commit may help you to avoid an awkward or unworkable situation.

As you check out your ability and willingness to change your living arrangement, your loved one should be going through a similar evaluation process. This is not a decision to be made in haste. Both you and your loved one should understand and be able to articulate in advance why you think this would be a mutually beneficial arrangement, what you expect from each other, and what you expect from yourselves. In that way, if you decide to live together, each of you knows the other's feelings.

Begin the decision-making process by considering these important factors:

Family Stability and Attitude

Ask yourself and other family members these questions:

• Is your spouse or relationship partner willing to have your loved one living in your home? How strong is your marriage or other primary relationship?
  
  
• If you have children living at home, how are they doing generally? Do they enjoy your loved one? What accommodations will they be expected to make in a homesharing arrangement? What benefits will they gain?
  
  
• How well do you get along with this loved one? Is the prospect of having him or her in your home for several years a pleasant and realistic one? Does your loved one enjoy time spent with you and your family?
  
  
• Have you resolved any old family grievances, or will they resurface and have to be dealt with? Might old and new disagreements be a source of tension in the household? Can you talk with the person about problems that come up between you without undue tension?
  
  
• Do you or your loved one have any habits that are unacceptable to each other, such as smoking or drinking?
  
  
• How strongly does the person want to come to live with you? Is this option a last resort or a first choice?
  
  
• How much work will having a new household member add to the household tasks? Who will do that additional work? How do other family members feel about sharing the extra work load?
  
  
• What kinds of personal care needs (for example, assistance in dressing, bathing, or grooming) does the person have? How do you and other family members feel about performing those needed services? How does the person feel about receiving that kind of personal care from family?
  
  
• What support services will be available?

There are no standard right answers to these questions that will assure a successful match. The purpose of such questions is to help you anticipate problems in advance of a difficult situation, and to begin a dialogue on the topic.

Family dynamics aren't the only factor to consider in making this important decision. In the September 2010 issue of Choices, we’ll take a look at more questions to consider in making the decision to share your home with your loved one: Are your home and neighbourhood appropriate for the person's needs? What financial questions need to be answered? How might lifestyle issues impact the success of the arrangement? And what are some great ways to help make it work?