Sharing Your Home with Senior Loved Ones: Making It Work

In the August issue of Choices, we looked at family dynamics that come into play when considering an intergenerational household. Read on for more suggestions about the decision, and for ideas to help the new living arrangement work successfully for everyone in the family.

Your Home and Neighborhood

One of the major considerations in having an older person who needs care move in with you is the size and layout of your home. Issues of safety, privacy, and convenience need to be considered.  Here are some questions to ask:

• Is there a private bedroom available for your loved one?  If not, how will you deal with people's need for privacy?
  
  
• Is the bedroom that's available easily accessible? Can you get to it without climbing stairs? Is there an outside entrance?
  
  
• What will you do with your loved one's furniture and belongings? Can all of them, or some of them, be incorporated into your household to add a sense of familiarity for your loved one? What arrangements can be made for storage or sale of unnecessary household goods?
  
  
• Is your home safe for an older person? Even if the person has no mobility problems now, is your home adaptable to canes, walkers, or wheelchairs if the need should arise in the future?
  
  
• Is the house in a relatively safe neighborhood, so that your loved one can take walks, get to the bus stop, or visit neighbors?

Finances and Household Chores

Money issues are often the most awkward to talk about. These are some of the questions to ask:

• What do you expect from your loved one in return for sharing your home? Will he have household responsibilities?
  
  
• Do you expect him to pay room and board? To pay for some expenses? Can you afford to have a permanent guest?
  
  
• Will any other family members help out financially?
  
  
• Be sure to take advantage of the caregiver tax credit and other financial resources available to family caregivers.

Family Lifestyle

The way your family lives its common life is an important consideration in deciding whether to share your home. Consider questions like these:

• What effect will having your loved one living with you have on your social life and the social life of your children and other family members?
  
  
• Does your loved one have friends near where you live? Will she wish to entertain friends in your home? 
  
  
• Is your loved one accustomed to a schedule like your household's? Is she willing and able to adapt to the family schedule for mealtimes and other important routine household events, or will changes need to be made?
  
  
• Does your loved one have any special dietary needs or restrictions that would affect the household?
  
  
• Does your loved one drive? Is she willing and able to use public transportation? If not, will she depend on you for transportation to the doctor, the store, to see friends? Is that compatible with your schedule?

The Future

It is a very different thing to share a home with a loved one who is active and independent than it is to live with the same person when he or she is quite confused and his or her needs for personal and nursing care are extensive. Think about these questions:

• How long are you envisioning your loved one living with you? Does he share that assumption?  From the beginning, is this understood to be a limited or open-ended arrangement?
  
  
• What will you do if your loved one experiences a change of condition and needs more of your time and care? How will you decide if the person needs more care than you can provide at home? What if you and your loved one disagree about this?
  
  
• What will happen if one or more members of your household are unhappy with the homesharing arrangement?
  
  
• If you have children living in your home, what effect will their growing up and leaving home have on your arrangement? Will having your loved one living with you significantly affect your plans?
  
  
• If you become ill, or need a break, what resources are available for respite care?

How to Make It Work

There is no magic formula for making a home run smoothly with two, three, or even four generations under its roof. There are, however, several strategies that can help.

Identify and follow a set of rules. Especially if you will have three generations living together, decide how members of the family will share household chores, limited bathroom facilities, limited transportation resources, and time. Trades and rotations may be appropriate. When you work out reasonable chore allocations and schedules, put them in writing and post them. Encourage everyone to get in the habit of respecting what's been agreed to.

Establish a family habit of effective communication.  Letting people know what is coming up is always important. For example, if your mother has scheduled outpatient surgery and is looking forward to a quiet weekend to recover, your teenage son will appreciate knowing this ahead of time—before he invites friends over. Or, if you and your spouse are hosting a party that will last late into the evening and perhaps disturb Dad's rest, he might want to spend the night with a friend.

Work out appropriate financial trade-offs. Having a loved one live with you can both save that person money and increase the costs of running your household. Specific trade-offs aimed at balancing these costs and benefits can help everyone see the benefit side. It might be reasonable, for example, to ask siblings who would otherwise be helping to pay for a parent's care to contribute to your household expenses.

Help your loved one stay active and involved. Perhaps the most important commitment you can make is to resolve to make it possible for your relative to remain active and involved in a wide range of activities and relationships for as long as possible. This might mean making arrangements for transportation so that he can participate in social events. It might mean actively encouraging him to invite friends into your home for meals or visits. And it means involving him in family discussions of current events and issues or concerns that affect the family.

Today, almost 20% of Canadian seniors live with adult children—and with the ageing of our population, this living arrangement is predicted to become even more common. Choices is pleased to offer information and resources to help families experience this living situation as satisfactory, rewarding, and of benefit to all.